"You remind me of me... and how fucked up I can be..."

I just received an email notification from NaBloPoMo about the blogging theme for May, and I couldn't help thinking that one of these days, I'll get an email from them informing me that they have revoked my membership and I could no longer access their site since obviously, I haven't done any daily blogging lately. Hell, I haven't posted anything for the whole month of April! As Mah Bebe would say - "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk."

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I've been doing a lot of drawing/sketching/painting lately and it's a very satisfying endeavor, even though I still get frustrated since I'm still horrible at drawing light and shadows, and I still suck at anything that involves using a brush. Pencils are easier to handle, and yes, my preference for pencils reflects my general outlook in life - I'd like to be in control, and, when something goes wrong, I want to always have an option to erase.

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It's been a month since Mah Bebe left for Bicol and I've been missing her so. We do spend time chatting/texting/talking on the phone but I miss hugging and kissing her, and I miss her noisy presence here at home. It has always been that way - the house seems so quiet everytime she's not around.

I still find it amazing how we can talk for hours - imagine being 14 years old and spending too much time on the phone talking to your MOM! When I was her age, I didn't have that connection with my mom. It's only now that I'm much, much older that I have been able to establish a deeper relationship with her, and it's not even as deep as I would want it to be.

I'm just thankful that no matter how fucked up the other aspects of my life may have been, perhaps I am still doing something right in the motherhood department, that even now that my daughter's already a teenager, she would still gravitate towards me when she needs someone to talk to. Although she does spend so much time online (she's a tumblr-addict), still she never fails to greet me as soon as she wakes up, and she's constantly in touch the whole day, texting or chatting. She'd also call me up after dinner, and right before she falls asleep, she'd text me our special good night song. :-)

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The title of this entry has absolutely nothing to do with its content - it's just a line from one of the songs from Next to Normal which has been in constant replay in my mind lately. Not the entire song, but this particular line. For reasons I couldn't quite explain now. No, it's not Schadenfreude (that's from another musical haha!) - it's just one of those lines from a song that would inexplicably hit you hard in the gut and in one line sums up all that is going on in your life.