mutatis mutandis

Hey, it's me - ranting.

2011-11-07T18:16:00.001+08:00

I should be working.

Except that I'm up to *here* with MS Visio I'm just about to throw up. There's a proper venue for such office work. It's called... ta-dah! - the office. And since it's a holiday, I'm not at the office. So what the fuck am I doing working?

Repeat after me - "I'll stop working now and I won't feel guilty about it."

(Except that I'll probably regret this tomorrow.)

(But - whatever...!)

***

My sister went out a couple of hours ago to meet her future father-in-law. As expected, she was all jittery. Apparently, according to the son, the old man is your typical Chinese patriarch who has already somewhat "mellowed down" lately. What that's supposed to mean I have no idea really. One, my interaction with typical Chinese patriarchs are all courtesy of Lisa See and Bette Bao Lord and Amy Tan. Two, I don't know how he was before he "mellowed down." Three, A may just be afraid of his dad.

Before she stepped out of the door, I told my sister - "You're beautiful, you're smart, and no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." Given the circumstances, that's the best advice I could give her.

She's not back yet so I don't know how it went. On the bright side, she hasn't sent me an SOS message yet, so maybe things are going just fine.

***

Speaking of fathers-in-law, I think I just received the second-best compliment I have ever received in my entire life.

The best compliment is being told that I'm raising a wonderful daughter who's wise beyond her years (although how much of that is due to my influence I don't really know, so I think the compliment should go more to Mah Bebe than to me).

The BH's dad emailed me yesterday, and part of his email went - "We like you. We know you bring out the best in him."

<Blush>

NaBloPoMo - (trying to) blog daily for one month! ;-D

2011-11-05T13:24:00.001+08:00

I have been inspired enough to fix my other blog - Prima Facie - and use it for NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), even though I didn't really sign up for it. It's just a little something to push myself to blog everyday, and perhaps instill in me the discipline to start writing again. It's never too late for anything at this point, certainly not for trying to write everyday, no matter how inconsequential my writing may be. And it's good that Ryan's been doing what he does best - inspiring me to Just write.

So, if this blog has become too quiet for you, check out Prima Facie, and hopefully, you'd find something there. And I sure would appreciate some feedback. :-)

ladidahdidah

2011-11-01T16:00:00.000+08:00

It's the last day of the four-day weekend and here I am staring at an empty MS Visio page, wondering if I can finish this in time for my presentation tomorrow. Three sets of business plans for my three roles, and I'm already getting all nauseated thinking about the next three days.

It's been pretty quiet for the past two hours - my siblings left after lunch, J with his family to visit a friend in Antipolo, and A back to the dorm. It's fun having them around, especially with Baby L, but considering the size of our mansion, it can be quite chaotic. Yesterday they were jumping around playing with the XBox Kinect, while I was trying to work and watch them at the same time. Of course I ended up doing more watching than working.

A was telling her boyfriend (who also spent the past two days here with us) that it would've been more of a madhouse if D was also here with C, and if Ate Len was still alive and with RB. Yup, we have always been a noisy family. In our house, you need to raise your voice to be heard over the din at the dinner table. I guess I got that from my parents - how every meal time is family time, which is tantamount to discussion time. And when I say discussion, I mean discussion. We talk about practically anything and everything, from current events and world history to science and technology, from relative's weirdness to A's latest craziness.

Growing up in a family such as ours, it's so hard to imagine that there are families out there where siblings hate each other so much you can't put them together in one room without a heated exchange of words. In our family, our parents don't have to worry about such things - since they are the ones who are always arguing, sometimes even getting physical about it. But that's another story...

2011-10-31T15:24:00.003+08:00

Happy Samhain!

(Remembering my ancestors - and my sister - who have moved on to a more peaceful life.)

I'm "Culture Curious" (from New York Times Personality Test)

2011-10-20T21:10:00.000+08:00

You can take the quiz here.

People often comment on your sense of calm and refined nature. Your love of all things arty often shines through in your bright, intelligent conversation and your traditionalist nature is often reflected in your tastes and style. You are an emotional spirit and you make really strong connections. Good friends and lots of laughs are the recipe for really happy days. And nights!

You're sophisticated and inquisitive with a real passion for art and culture. You pride yourself on being an early adopter of the latest music and films and always like to have a good book on the go. Your ability to bring together very diverse and even dissenting opinions is rooted in your appreciation for all points of view. You believe in immersing yourself in interesting experiences that make you look at people, places and opportunities from new angles. Being sensitive and creative you want to feel connected to the world around you and actively seek out opportunities to explore it. It's all about broadening your horizons and living life to the full. Anything else would not fulfill your curious nature. You'll love the list of The Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made, the Critics' Picks and Arts Beat.

Sometimes we just need to look at things from a different perspective

2011-10-20T10:38:00.002+08:00

just another day...

2011-10-18T10:24:00.000+08:00

The last day of her two-day vacation leave and she feels like someone in the throes of a bitter emotional conflict aka depression. She spent the whole day yesterday in bed, with nothing but caffeine and nicotine to sustain her. She needed this break, because for the longest time she could hardly hear herself think. And now that she's started listening to herself, what she's been hearing is so depressing she just wants it to shut the fuck up.

Maybe that is exactly what is wrong with her. She's been hiding behind her work for far too long that when she has finally decided to take a breather and get a good look at herself, she ends up hating what she sees. And what does she see? A fat, friendless girl - hell, who is she kidding??? - a fat, friendless woman who has not gotten over her teenage angst but is beginning to be overwhelmed by mid-life anxiety. No real passion to speak of, losing whatever drive (which wasn't much to begin with) she has, coping with insecurities and loneliness. Wondering how much longer she could continue bluffing her way through life.

Can you keep the cup from tipping, can you keep the grip from slipping in despair, for just another day...

Romanticizing my life

2011-10-14T09:17:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from an email from Ryan Luv:

That’s a big story there- your daughter off to a foreign country to study (and when she does, we both know she’s gonna stay there for good) and your partner off to yet another country, your relationship uncertain just because of a legality..

Oi, if you’re not gonna fictionalize it, I will!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is so perfect as a literary scenario that I just can’t believe it’s actually your life!!!!

Never mind that when it does happen, I'll be left home alone with the dog.

Note to self.

2011-10-12T08:27:00.001+08:00

GEMINI

Sometimes you’re a sprinter. Other times you are a marathon runner. And right now you see no need to run for any reason. Keep that easy pace and expend very little energy. You’ll get it all done just the same.

A blessed Mabon

2011-09-26T02:20:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I know. Mabon was so last Friday. Yup, officially, Autumn Equinox falls on the 23rd of September this year. But Mabon is a Thanksgiving ritual, and it's never too late to give thanks for all the blessings that one has received. And the Goddess knows how blessed I have been over the past year. Of course it didn't come without the usual drama - mostly the usual struggle among me, myself, and I - but, as they say, all's well that ends well.

Christmas Wish List aka My Shopping List

2011-09-26T01:10:00.000+08:00

I know that it's still way too early to let Santa know what I want for Christmas (after all, even though I have been mostly good over the past nine months, there are still too many opportunities to be naughty over the next three months). So for now, I'm going to call this My Shopping List, hoping that after all the bills have been paid, I'd have enough disposable income to buy some of these things. Or perhaps, I just might find out three months from now that I don't want these things after all, hence saving me from spending unnecessarily.

(1) An Illustrated Life: Drawing Inspiration from the Private Sketchbooks of Artists, Illustrators and Designers (Danny Gregory)

(2) A set/box of gouache

(3) Paint brushes

Or better yet ---

(4) Royal & Langnickel 150-piece All Media Easel Artist Set! (Now this is an Oooh-la-la!)

because i've been feeling bad, the Goddess decides to remind me

2011-08-21T01:14:00.000+08:00

"At the center of any part of your life that feels broken, there is an unbroken unity. You are a whole, complete and perfect vessel, ready to pour your love and genius out like fine wine. Self criticism and doubt are fear’s illusions, aiming to divide you against yourself. Love yourself back to wholeness. Your spirit is unbreakable."

something old, something new...

2011-07-16T17:33:00.011+08:00

There will come a time when I would be too old to wear a wedding gown. Hell, who am I kidding - I'm probably too old and too fat by now that trying to wear a sexy white wedding gown at my age would only make me look ludicrous.

Okay, so where is this coming from? I don't know. It's one of those random thoughts that breaks my heart I had to catch my breath when the realization hit me. I AM OLD. I have lines on my face that weren't there 8 years ago, I have more white hair framing my face, and I'm so flabulous I'm curvy at all the wrong places. And a white wedding gown would not suit me anymore - unless it's also something frumpy and... yeah, ancient.

But here's the thing - what makes me think I'll ever wear a wedding gown again? Getting married is definitely NOT in the BH's agenda. As far as he's concerned, I'm already his wife so why complicate the relationship by getting married?

Again, I don't know. But with yet another wedding preparation going on, I'm getting these odd wedding thoughts again (I went through the same thing last year, amidst J & I's wedding preps). Wondering yet again if I'll ever experience how it is to be a real bride, to walk down that aisle with my heart bursting with so much love for my groom. Except that this time, there's an addendum to that thought - If I do get the chance to walk down that aisle with my heart bursting with so much love for my groom, would I still look hot in my wedding gown?

***
And, to keep me from losing my perspective, here's my horoscope, courtesy of Tarot.com:

Saturday, Jul 16th, 2011 -- Your life seems to be flowing along a bit easier now, even if the same issues are still nagging for resolution. Fortunately, you won't have to worry about them today, easing the tension sufficiently for you to enjoy the present moment. Just remember that your overactive imagination could carry you far away, distracting you from the happiness that is right under your nose. Open your eyes and be grateful for what you have.

Touche!

one of my favorite poems

2011-06-23T17:48:00.000+08:00

The Rainy Day

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

living on a latte and a prayer

2011-05-24T01:28:00.000+08:00

Lord, You know me better than myself that I am not getting any younger and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But You know, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with love. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask You for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint-- it is so hard to live with some of them-- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen.

2011-05-12T14:38:00.000+08:00

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

(Bob Marley)

My day in 140 characters - or less

2011-05-12T01:22:00.000+08:00

Blame it all on twitter - seems like my thoughts come in 140-character (or less) bursts.

Spent the morning at Starbucks, working. Cool bosses allow that, y'know. T'was a very productive morning too.

The BH said I write like a lawyer. And of course, being a writer, he didn't mean it in a good way.

He said I keep all my bases covered. And I write 40-word sentences. With a Flesch-Kincaid grade level of 30.

I say it's writing all those manuals. And reading all those IP laws.

A Mother's Prayer

2011-05-08T14:30:00.000+08:00

Happy mother's day to all the brave, wonderful mothers!

A mother’s prayer
for her child, for her children
for healing, for grace
for the pain she carries
to be lifted from her weary shoulders
to breath free, without weight
hanging, pulling her down
to see a change, a renewal
a mending of the tears,
the frayed edges of existence
of the interrupted aspects,
the missing pieces of her life
after disruptions and displacement
rebuke, and distance
A change of course, in the offing
in the near future, hopeful still
in the God who has listened,
heeded her call before

~Raymond A. Foss

"You remind me of me... and how fucked up I can be..."

2011-05-01T01:52:00.086+08:00

I just received an email notification from NaBloPoMo about the blogging theme for May, and I couldn't help thinking that one of these days, I'll get an email from them informing me that they have revoked my membership and I could no longer access their site since obviously, I haven't done any daily blogging lately. Hell, I haven't posted anything for the whole month of April! As Mah Bebe would say - "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk."

***
I've been doing a lot of drawing/sketching/painting lately and it's a very satisfying endeavor, even though I still get frustrated since I'm still horrible at drawing light and shadows, and I still suck at anything that involves using a brush. Pencils are easier to handle, and yes, my preference for pencils reflects my general outlook in life - I'd like to be in control, and, when something goes wrong, I want to always have an option to erase.

***
It's been a month since Mah Bebe left for Bicol and I've been missing her so. We do spend time chatting/texting/talking on the phone but I miss hugging and kissing her, and I miss her noisy presence here at home. It has always been that way - the house seems so quiet everytime she's not around.

I still find it amazing how we can talk for hours - imagine being 14 years old and spending too much time on the phone talking to your MOM! When I was her age, I didn't have that connection with my mom. It's only now that I'm much, much older that I have been able to establish a deeper relationship with her, and it's not even as deep as I would want it to be.

I'm just thankful that no matter how fucked up the other aspects of my life may have been, perhaps I am still doing something right in the motherhood department, that even now that my daughter's already a teenager, she would still gravitate towards me when she needs someone to talk to. Although she does spend so much time online (she's a tumblr-addict), still she never fails to greet me as soon as she wakes up, and she's constantly in touch the whole day, texting or chatting. She'd also call me up after dinner, and right before she falls asleep, she'd text me our special good night song. :-)

***

The title of this entry has absolutely nothing to do with its content - it's just a line from one of the songs from Next to Normal which has been in constant replay in my mind lately. Not the entire song, but this particular line. For reasons I couldn't quite explain now. No, it's not Schadenfreude (that's from another musical haha!) - it's just one of those lines from a song that would inexplicably hit you hard in the gut and in one line sums up all that is going on in your life.

10 things I should've learned by now

2011-03-28T09:48:00.001+08:00

Assholes and ass-kissers do get ahead at work. But not in life. So why join their game when you'd rather play fair?
If you kiss ass, be ready to eat shit.
Seize the day. And no, Farmville-ing/Cityville-ing, Twittering, and Tumblring don't count.
Forgiving works. But forgetting is another matter.
Sometimes, it's better to just keep your mouth shut. And let them stew.
A long soothing shower is sometimes all we need to wash our worries away.
If you push yourself hard enough and often enough, you'd eventually find yourself falling flat on your face.
Suffering from people-overload is not something to be proud of. But neither is it something to be ashamed of. It just happens.
Yes, there is such a thing as too-much-coffee.
You have a choice. Always.

Mah Bebe's Birthday

2011-03-13T23:20:00.086+08:00

pre-birthday lunch at Mann Hann
(the BH took the pic)

My favorite teenager turned fourteen (yes, one-four, 14!) last Tuesday and I've been singing (off-key) "Slipping through my fingers" again. She's growing up way too fast that even the Byronic Honey is getting all sad and melancholy and tampururot ("She hardly plays XBox anymore, she's always on Tumblr!"). I don't know how many times over the past few weeks I have tried explaining to him that she's starting to have her own interests that may not be in-synch with a 32-year-old nerd-of-a-father's interests, and part of loving her is letting her go, letting her be. And a teenage girl has interests that a nerd-of-a-father may find too... giggly-girlish (yeah, like reblogging Justin Bieber photos and Justin Bieber videos and Justin Bieber links... ad nauseam).

birthday dinner at Fat Skillet

i'm in awe

2011-03-12T06:29:00.001+08:00

Pushing 40 and still taking and posting such pictures of himself - there's a reason why I love this guy.

My favorite teenager

2011-03-08T08:08:00.001+08:00

She's 14. She's beautiful. And she's my little girl.

Happy birthday, mah beautiful bebe!

happy birthday, v

2011-03-03T21:02:00.003+08:00

Hey, yeah, it's been a while. How long has it been - almost two years? I'm not really sure if I miss you. After all, we already had an almost estranged closeness ("estranged closeness" - what an oxymoron, but there's no better way to describe it) even way before I had finally closed the door, bolted and locked it, and hid the key. I didn't have the heart to throw the key away, knowing that some things may still change, and hoping that some day I'd open that door again and welcome you back. And although keeping that door shut hasn't really affected me much (except for an occasional jab of sadness), I'm hoping that it has done you good. Or, to be more precise, that it has done your marriage good.

I live in joy now

2011-02-28T20:46:00.000+08:00

I came across this poem on tumblr and I had to do a double-take, read the poem again, swallow the lump in my throat, and try to keep my heart from breaking.

This is the story of my life.

These are the same memories from another lifetime. And these memories are the reason why nobody who knows me in this recent incarnation has the right to judge me, because they don't know how I managed to survive "the life that was a traumatic dying hell" and "live in joy now."

(Poem by David Klein. Image unearthed from an old sketchbook, title: fear, circa hell.)

I Live in Joy Now

and the memories from the past

are distant and faded

I can barely remember:

the pain

the torture

the anguish

the agony

the aggravation

the confusion

the turmoil

the misery

the ugliness

the indignity

the depression

the loneliness

the helplessness

the frustration

the despair

the hatred

the suffering

the emptiness

the lovelessness

the desperation

the fear

from the life that was a traumatic dying hell

That chapter in my life is long gone

I ended it on one glorious day a long time ago

I have reclaimed my health

I love

I share

and

I Live in Joy Now

Checklist

2011-02-28T08:37:00.001+08:00

Reviewing my weekend to-do list (19-20 February 2011):

~~Finish at least one drawing.~~ Done, 20 February 2011 (posted on weiwitch's brew)
~~Scan previous sketches~~. Done, 19 February 2011
Finally finish rewriting that short story (I mean, how hard could that be, right??!)
~~Write at least one blog entry~~. Done, 27 February 2011

Well, to be fair to myself, I did manage to reorganize weiwitch's brew that particular weekend, although I have yet to really let people know about it since I'm still in the process of creating my Paypal account (hoping I could sell some stuff through CafePress), and uploading additional sketches for the CafePress products. So, my beloved relatives and friends (namely - Auntie B, Pat and Ry), don't go buying stuff yet since I don't have any remuneration for those items yet, but yes, I'm counting on you to be one of my first customers hehehe. ;-D

As for rewriting that short story, like I said, how hard could that be? Really hard, apparently. Yeah, I just need to push myself some more, to really sit down and write. Self-discipline (which I'm beginning to doubt I have).

Well, good morning, Monday. Let this be a more productive yet less stressful week. Amen.

Life begins at 40...?

2011-02-27T19:10:00.001+08:00

photo courtesy of Spot.ph

"Lea Salonga's Surprise 40th Birthday Bash."

Spot.ph's headline caught me by surprise - Lea Salonga is 40 years old??! But... but... she was just playing Kim! And Eponine! Hell, she was just endorsing Klim!

In retrospect, Lea's turning 40 dismayed me more than it surprised me. If Annie has just hit the big four-oh, it means that I'm about to hit that milestone as well. And it's not something that I relish.

However way you look at it, and regardless of Lea Salonga's youthful glow, being 40 years old is old. It's way beyond young adulthood - it's middle age. 40 is when everything starts to droop, creak, and crinkle.

I don't know. I have 3 years to prepare myself for that. And perhaps by 18 June 2014, I would've already successfully psyched myself up that I would be singing a different tune - life begins at 40 and all those platitudes that were meant to make people feel good. Who knows, I may even actually believe them.

But for the meantime, allow me to just whine about the fact that I'm turning 40 in three years, and, although I have no definitive career to speak of, I'm beginning to feel like Norma Desmond.

***

On a lighter note, I'm not sure if it's just me, but see that expression on Robert Chien's face as he looks at his wife? It's a look that speaks so much of love and admiration. Here's one husband who's really proud of his wife and who's so much in love with her. And he's not bad-looking either.

***
"I don't want to be wise, I just want to stay young..." (Hall & Oates, So Close)

weekend to-do list

2011-02-19T13:21:00.000+08:00

(No, this has nothing to do with work at all. This is all for me.)

Finish at least one drawing.
Scan previous sketches.
Finally finish rewriting that short story (I mean, how hard could that be, right??!)
Write at least one blog entry.

Wish me luck.

big bang

2011-02-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

(an outburst waiting to happen)
a dying star ripe
for that final explosion
before being engulfed
by the black hole
threatening
from within
i burn
with unexpressed anger
(unspent passion)
i exit
with an apology
(forgive me)
for wanting
(more)
...

I see Paris, I see France, I see someone's underpants...

2011-01-24T06:07:00.000+08:00

There's something disconcerting about seeing your neighbor's undies hanging from the clothesline - especially if you hardly talk to this neighbor. It's like - "Hey, we don't talk, but I know your briefs' brand and size!" (Oh, and I also know what condition they're in - you really need to get some new ones.)

You see, we live in a small compound - it's your typical city dwelling, with eight units of townhouses and a small cul-de-sac for parking. Since the laundry area at the back of each unit hardly gets any sun, the helpers would rather air-dry the laundry in the common garage. And since I would usually have my morning coffee with my morning yosi, I usually step out of the house first thing in the morning (no smoking inside the house), and have my coffee just outside our unit. And believe me, some guy's underwear, devoid of all its sensual connotation, is not a pretty sight so early in the morning (or any time of the day for that matter).

(It would've been different, of course, if it were lying on my bedroom floor, and I'm pretty much aware of the circumstances that brought it on my bedroom floor).

big hug!

2011-01-23T08:50:00.001+08:00

We need 4 hugs a day for survival.

We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.

We need 12 hugs a day for growth.

(Virginia Satir)

Sometime during the holidays, we were at my parents' house in Bicol, and Mah Bebe and I were doing what we do best together - hugging - when my Dad walked by. Mah Bebe grabbed him and included him in our hug, telling him, "Daddy T, group hug! We're a hugging family, we love to hug!"

Yes, we are a hugging family. Yes, we do love to hug. Which is why I was surprised to find out that there is a National Hug Day! Actually, what I find surprising I think is the fact that there is a need to declare one. Hugging is something so basic that it's even more natural than kissing. (Btw, is there a National Kiss Day?)

As stated in the Time article, "physical contact is an integral part of being cheered up, validated, lowering stress levels and just plain old reminding ourselves that we're human and get a lot from interacting with others." And hugging is something that we often do instinctively, in an effort to make someone feel better. True, it's not something that everyone appreciates, but even in such cases, the awkwardness usually happens only after the hug. And even then, it gives that person something to think about. And perhaps smile about.

And no, you don't even have to go around hugging strangers. There's your immediate family, who wouldn't sue you for harassment if you hug them. Hug your mom and your dad, your siblings, your wife, your kids - and quite possibly, you'd get enough hugs for maintenance. Give them a hug when you wake up, give them a hug before they leave for work or school, give them a hug when you get home, and give them a hug before going to bed - and voila! you'd have enough hugs for growth!

They'd probably think you'd gone loco, but after a few days, they'd start expecting it from you. Because yes, they need those hugs too.

trying to write. yet again.

2011-01-16T21:31:00.001+08:00

I have 22 unpublished posts / drafts all waiting to be either (1) published or (2) deleted. Deleted is more like it, since in the first place, the reason why they remain unpublished is because they're all unfinished entries. Hell, who am I kidding - they were barely started. These were mostly one- or two- liners which had gone poof! in the middle of a thought, which, unfortunately, were thoughts lost in the middle of a sentence. Unfinished thought, unfinished sentence, unfinished post. The story of my life.

But since I'm such a sucker for punishments, here I am trying to blog again. And hell-bent on pushing myself to finish several entries if only to prove to myself that I can still do it, regardless of the quality of my writing. It's about time I deal with the frustrated perfectionist that's lurking just behind my inner ear, and shut up that bugger by refusing to listen to her. Because once I start listening to that fucking perfectionist again, I'd be editing (and killing) my writing even way before I finish drafting my second sentence (ending up with a dead post somewhere between a dangling modifier and an insubordinate clause).

My bestestprend and me

2010-12-09T22:15:00.000+08:00

I read this on someone's Facebook wall and I couldn't stop smiling because this is the story of my friendship with my bestestprend.

You're the kind of friend who, if my house was burning down, would be hitting on the fire volunteer.

You're the kind of friend who steals my umbrella in the rain to see how fast I can run.

You're the kind of friend who laughs when I fall, then trips me again.

You're the kind of friend who can't bail me out of jail because you'd be sitting right beside me in the cell.

Most of all, you're the kind of friend who will be with me until our last breath.The kind who will be chasing me around the nursing home, trying to hit me with your walking stick when we're old and saggy, and for that I love you.

I love you, prekprek! ;-D

Self-promotion

2010-11-08T01:59:00.000+08:00

new concoction at:

weiwitch's brew

Happy birthday, Emilie!

2010-11-06T12:39:00.000+08:00

She's one of the most amazing moms I've known, one who decided to hang up her medical coat and don an apron instead, who took off her examination gloves in favor of oven mittens, and gave up her laboratory to spend more time in the kitchen.

"Frack it, my kids need me, I don't need my career." This was essentially her line when she realized that in order to give her daughter, who was born deaf and has been coping with the after-effects of meningitis, the attention and care she deserves, she has to do it herself. And that's what she has been doing for more than seven years now - a hands-on mom for her two kids.

Happy birthday, Emilie! I hope you finally get your "me time," even for just a day. You have been an amazing mom, and you are quite an amazing person, and you deserve all the love that you can get, not just on your birthday but every single day. And if I can afford it, I'd give you that Bottega Veneta bag, because I know that $2,300 is not even enough to compensate for everything that you've done for your family and everything that you've sacrificed for them.

Why Mamma Mia is starting to feel like the soundtrack of my life: #2

2010-10-28T09:23:00.002+08:00

I work all night, I work all day
To pay the bills I have to pay
(Ain't it sad)

And still there never seems to be
A single penny left for me
(That's too bad)

...

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man's world
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
It's a rich man's world

Why Mamma Mia is starting to feel like the soundtrack of my life: #1

2010-10-25T15:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture

And save it from the funny tricks of time

Slipping through my fingers...

being strong sometimes means being able to let go

2010-10-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

I can't stop talking about it - there is this desperate need for me to share it to everyone, to let people know that life as I've known it for the past seven years is about to change pretty soon. It's an inevitable fact, and for once, I know that not talking about it wouldn't make it go away. Pretending it's not gonna happen doesn't mean it will not happen. Because it will. Sooner than I thought it would.

It's Damocles' sword all over again. But then again, I may have been in denial all these years because the sword hanging over our relationship never really went away - we just ignored it. Although, in retrospect, I think I've been bracing myself for this right from the very start. After all, I knew that summer has to end sooner or later.

and yet another blog ;-p

2010-10-13T12:14:00.000+08:00

Just to prove that I'm pretty serious about rescuing my pencils and drawing pads from oblivion, I've started yet another blog, one that's trying so hard to be artsy fartsy: weiwitch's brew. It's still quite bare, but I'm working on it - I managed to upload another drawing last night. ;-)

As I've mentioned to Ryan, I'm doing this just so I'd have something to do that's not work-related, something that's all for me. The BH and the Bebe have their Xbox and Halo: Reach (and yes, they could spend the whole weekend doing nothing but shooting other people, sometimes each other), so I might as well do something I've always wanted to do - "to pursue my artistic pursuits."

the weeks that were: sketches

2010-10-09T15:42:00.004+08:00

Ryan's way of keeping his blog updated is something I wish I can do; i.e., I wish I had the time and the inclination to record snippets of my week instead of forever procrastinating, and telling myself "I'd start writing this weekend," and then spending the weekend lost in Farmville in between sleeping. I also wish I had the instinct to take out my camera (which is always in my bag - a fact I keep forgetting) everytime I see something worth recording.

Since I have neither the inclination nor the instinct, but since I have the time (more or less) to do some writing now, I'll try to cram everything in related entries - all the significant thoughts that crossed my mind, the memorable events that made quite an impact on me, and the in-betweens. Although considering how normal my life is, I'm afraid I'll just come up with boring entries which aren't even well-written.

(Take for example this introduction that's just going on and on and on.... ad nauseam.)

So, for the first entry - my sketches.

This was a drawing I was working on last weekend which took me about an hour to finish, and which I submitted to and was published by fuckyeahmoleskine on Tumblr. It's graphite pencil on Moleskine Japanese Album - the set of pencils was a 'wala lang' gift from the BH last year, while the Moleskine was a birthday gift from Ryan three years ago, my very first Molekine notebook ever. It feels good to start doodling again, and to finally come up with something I can be quite proud of. I know I need some more practice but what's important is I've actually picked up that pencil and started sketching again, instead of just thinking about doing that.

The FYM submission states that you fill a page or a spread with drawings about your life. No words allowed, just colors and images. And people who know me also know that I love nudes - love looking at them, love sketching them. The cup was just an afterthought, which, oddly enough, fitted perfectly the me I was thinking about.

Here's another sketch I published on my Tumblr - this is the first sketch I've made since I decided to rescue both the notebook and the pencils from the bottom of my drawer. It started out as just one cup - one day at work I was too annoyed and stressed out to focus on anything, so I got my Pilot mechanical pencil out and started sketching my coffee mug. (Hmmm... I should've taken a picture of my mug so you'd see the resemblance. Like I said, taking pictures is not something I usually do. Next time.)

Something embarrassing happened while I was doing the initial sketching - I was at the office remember, and there I was, trying to eradicate all my work-related fury by doing something that's so work-UNrelated, when, before I could even grab some work-related file and pretend I was busy working, my boss was right behind me, exclaiming "Wow!" Wow indeed, to be caught red-handed (or should I say, gray-handed, since my hand already had some graphite smudges). Fortunately for me, (1) I have a really great boss, (2) she knew how I felt about my workload that week, and (3) she understood why.

I use Cretacolor Monolith Graphite, Faber-Castell Pencil #1, and Pilot Mechanical Pencil 2B. I have the 48-piece set of Faber-Castell Water-soluble Pencils, but I'm still trying to figure out how to use it effectively. But the graphite pencils rock. I'm still not as intimate with them as I would want to be, but I'm getting there.

of midlife and teenagers

2010-09-26T22:38:00.001+08:00

photo courtesy of ellenrixford.com

The BH and I attended a midlife parenting seminar at Mah Bebe's school yesterday, sponsored by the PTA. The assumption is if your daughter is already in high school, then you must already be in midlife. (I guess they didn't take into consideration those parents na maagang lumandi.)

As expected, we were probably one of the youngest (if not the youngest) couple there, and it was reassuring to hear the speaker clarify that midlife starts somewhere around 40. Na-ah, not in mid-30s, which technically still qualifies me as a young adult, no matter what Cosmopolitan Philippines says. (For a magazine supposedly fostering fun and fearlessness in females, Cosmo ph is one hell of a judgmental magazine, putting an age ceiling on what constitutes fun and fearlessness. But that's another blog entry.)

Age notwithstanding, it was still quite an enlightening talk, delivered by a CEFAM counselor. It never occurred to me, up until I heard her talk about it, that yes, there are so many similarities between a teenager and a midlifer, and it's mainly because both are undergoing extreme physical, physiological, and psychological changes. No wonder midlife is sometimes referred to as second childhood!

The teenager is undergoing an identity crisis; the midlifer is also questioning his identity --- "Who am I?" asks the teenager; "Who am I apart from my roles?" asks the midlifer.

The teenager is coping with a changing body: growing boobs, body hair, zits. The midlifer is coping with a changing body as well: sagging boobs, thinning hair, wrinkles (and, yes, even adult acne!).

The teenager is dealing with hormones gone awry. Guess what, so does the midlifer!

Which is probably why most teenagers (well at least those with midlifer parents) feel so misunderstood and so unloved --- their parents are going through a rough time as well, and dealing with their angst and their teenagers' angst is taking its toll on them, making them just as cranky as their teenaged kids!

Sunday

2010-09-12T16:11:00.000+08:00

I've spent almost the whole day online and yes, my eyesight has gotten really blurry that I have to squint when looking beyond my laptop. I'm also on the verge of feeling guilty for not working on my training presentations although part of me is violently reacting to that - "Hell, it's a freaking weekend! You're not supposed to work at all! You're not getting paid for it!"

Yeah, I know, except that I have three training programs to conduct over the next three weeks: a half-day Introduction to Intellectual Property on Tuesday, a two-day Business Communication Skills next week, and a one-day Business Etiquette the week after next. And these are all new programs which I have designed but have not yet run. And no, I'm not done with the presentations yet - they are all work in progress.

But again, it's a freaking weekend! I'm entitled to not do anything at all.

(And pay for it later this week.)

(Shut up.)

Sometimes, something like this makes social networking so interesting

2010-09-10T21:36:00.004+08:00

Entry for 'thon' in Webster's Second New International Dictionary, 1934

I posted this link on Tumblr, "The gender-neutral pronoun: grammatical necessity, consciousness raiser, and after 150 years still an epic fail," and I got this comment from Alex Magno, another male writer I recently discovered and started stalking.

AT Magno: Tagalog has gender-neutral pronouns and nouns - siya, anak, asawa, etc. And we're still a macho society. Language does not necessarily reflect reality, though it can distort it, even invent it. Gender equality is not a grammatical issue.

me: Just for the sake of argument, isn't it possible too that Tagalog precedes our macho society? I'm not familiar with the etymology of these gender-neutral Tagalog pronouns but I do know that once upon a time a long, long time ago, before the Spaniards parked their asses on our shores, we were a matriarchal society. And women have always been gender-sensitive, and thus our ancestors came up with gender-neutral pronouns. ;-)

AT Magno: The point is it’s not the language that makes anyone gender sensitive (or adopt any other attitude for that matter), though you can certainly use language to promote the idea. Anyone can say opo and make mano to an elder and yet curse that person in his mind. If I hate ampalaya, you can call it bitter melon, or any other name you want, and I still wouldn’t eat it. it’s an acquired taste. Incidentally, I like ampalaya con carne. It’s our attitude that has to change first. Then maybe the language will follow, but then again maybe not. Incidentally, in Spanish, the gender thing has no logic. They do it with inanimate or nonliving things. Why is ojo masculine? Why is nariz feminine? Both men and women have eyes and noses, don’t they? And why is it la mano and not el mano despite the usually masculine o? Yes, I think the Spaniards influenced our being a macho society. And yet very few Filipinos speak or even read Spanish now, with its gender distinctions even among inanimate objects. So is it the Spanish language that we should blame for that attitude? It’s not a matter of language, though a person’s words usually reveals his attitude towards things. Anyone can learn to use gender-neutral language, just to sound politically correct. That doesn’t necessarily mean he has stopped being sexist. Many politicians can talk hours about the public good, but still remain crooks at heart.

Touche!

(Now imagine how interesting the conversation would be if you have people like him as drinking buddies!)

Psalm 62:8

2010-09-10T11:35:00.001+08:00

(Found this nice poem while I was doing some research yesterday, from Quarry House.)

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

You are a child,
the dust and din of battle
swirling like a dervish around you,

At your age, your middle years, you know
that there is no end
to the confusion of life,

that you are just a tiny part
of some war far greater than yourself
and your part is somehow

both insignificant
and vital, and that in the end,
you are not your own. You are forever
a child.

but you look into the whirlwind
with confidence,
not in yourself,
who has failed again and again,

but in God,
who bears you through the valley
on tender, unyielding arms.

Tom Robbins on smoking

2010-09-07T01:33:00.001+08:00

"Three of the four elements are shared by all creatures, but fire was a gift to humans alone. Smoking cigarettes is as intimate as we can become with fire without immediate excruciation. Every smoker is an embodiment of Prometheus, stealing fire from the gods and bringing it on back home. We smoke to capture the power of the sun, to pacify Hell, to identify with the primordial spark, to feed on them arrow of the volcano. It's not the tobacco we're after but the fire. When we smoke, we are performing a version of the fire dance, a ritual as ancient as lightning."

-Still Life with Woodpecker

Day Ten: One confession.

2010-08-25T21:09:00.001+08:00

I watch porn. But Caligula left me nauseated (I walked out on it).

Day Eight: Three turn ons

2010-08-23T13:35:00.000+08:00

Kindness and compassion.
Intellectual conversations.
Laughter.

Day Seven: Four turn-offs

2010-08-22T23:09:00.002+08:00

Hypocrisy, and smugly reveling in it.
Snooty nouveau riche whose crassiness makes you cringe. You can't buy breeding, girl.
Know it all who doesn't know anything at all.
People who are so inconsiderate they think the world revolves around them.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot to me (in no order whatsoever)

2010-08-21T23:03:00.001+08:00

Mah Bebe
the BH
the family (the parents and the siblings - fine, I'm cheating - this is more than five. sue me.)
Pat
Ryan

Day Five: Six things I wish I had never done

2010-08-20T21:42:00.007+08:00

(This is gonna be a bit hard since I have always made it a point not to regret anything I did. Or at the very least, not to dwell on it.)

Getting married. When every fiber of my being was screaming "No!"
Finding my voice quite late - I should've learned to fight for myself earlier.
Moving to Cainta.
Believing I could not write.
Foregoing Psych to to take up Engg. All because of a scholarship which I ended up losing anyway.
Gaining so much weight over the past four years.

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot

2010-08-19T20:34:00.026+08:00

My family's health and well-being. Family being mah Bebe, the BH, the parents, and the siblings.
Relationship with Mah Bebe - the good mom / bad mom dichotomy.
Work. What needs to be done and how I would do it. Dissatisfaction. Fulfillment. Anger. Rewards. Opportunities.
Finances. Bills to pay. Available budget. IOUs. Next payday.
Religion. Dear God, did I do something wrong again? Oh Goddess, I'm trying so hard.
Pursuing my artistic pursuits. Must write, must draw, must paint. No time. No energy. No talent.
Len's death. Her life. And what could've been if she didn't die so suddenly, so unexpectedly. Disbelief. Acceptance.

Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart

2010-08-18T18:40:00.031+08:00

Tazze con cappuccino by F. Landi

Love and pamper my daughter. This tops my list, and this is non-negotiable.
Talk to me. A good conversation always turns me on.
Read. A lot.
Respect my quiet moments. And my not-so-quiet moments.
Always show your support. But do not always agree with me.
Do not lie. Ever. Unless you're pretty sure I'll never find out about it. Which I will. Believe me. I always find out.
Observe proper hygiene. No dirty fingernails, bad breath, and body odor. Remember, I'm scent-sual. You must smell really good.
Never ever cheat on me. Not when you're still in the process of winning my heart. My forgiveness is directly proportional to my love.

Day Two: Nine things about myself

2010-08-17T16:54:00.040+08:00

I'm a frustrated writer. But I haven't given up on this, I still try to write when I could. Hence, this blog.
I'm also a frustrated artist. Still keeping my hope alive on this one too - I'm gonna have that art lesson some day. And that studio too.
And a frustrated singer. Oh, I've given up on this. It's futile. Believe me.
I'm a very scent-sual person - I love everything that smells nice: bath soaps, lotions, perfumes, scented candles, potpourri, incense. Hell, I even love the smell of old books. And new books. And mah Bebe's head. And the BH's armpits.
This blog is one of my life's ironies - for someone who doesn't like talking about herself much, I sure am exposing myself to strangers. But believe me, there's more to my life than what this blog contains. Not necessarily more exciting, just more.
And I'm quoting Ryan now - "I'm friendly and open, but extremely selective with people. I was a loner for the first 15 years of my life and it taught me that one of life's ironies is having a thousand friends on Facebook and yet failing to find someone who can really accept you for who you really are." Although I can't really say I was a loner as Ry was a loner, I do understand the irony of having 605 Facebook friends, and keeping to myself most of the time.
I have a pencil collection which I started when I was 17. And a book collection which is even older than that.
I'm not a prude - in fact, I'm one of the most tolerant and accepting people you'd probably meet - but I live by my values. Live and let live, as I always say. I respect your way of life, respect mine as well. Especially when I say no.
I tend to forget a lot of things, like my phone and keys, people's names, friends' birthdays, but I also end up remembering so much. Especially stuff which are best forgotten.
I hate ants. With a passion.

Day One: Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now

2010-08-16T22:24:00.075+08:00

I know that you'd be leaving soon and life as we know it will soon end as well. I don't want to keep my hopes up, I've been burnt too many times by empty promises, and so when you leave, you leave a free man. It's gonna hurt like hell, but in the long run, I think it would be best that way. I've always known that at the end of the day, it's really just gonna be me and Mah Bebe, living our life, as you pursue your dreams. The years we've been together are some of the best years of my life, and I'd be forever grateful for that.
I try to be a good mom, but there are times when I also fumble and stumble - blame it all on inexperience and occasional immaturity. Motherhood didn't come with a manual and I'm not even enough of an expert to come up with one. But do know that I love you more than life itself and, more with the cliche, do realize that you're my reason for being. I want you to grow up strong enough to handle whatever blow life would deal you, so I'm sorry if I sometimes come off as too insensitive. I don't want to push you away but neither do I want you to become too clingy. I just hope that everything balances out in the end - that you'd grow up confident in my love and support, yet strong and independent enough to make it on your own.
I miss being young with you, laughing our hearts out over nonsensical stuff, sharing kilig moments, and of course, basking in our prettiness.
I've already given this so much thought (almost a year's worth - that should be enough), and I'm sorry, but I still do not regret what I have done. In fact, I want to thank you for making me realize that indeed, the values instilled upon us when we were still young are the same values that we would go back to when we get older. You have become a living lesson to my daughter, and I just hope that you have also learned the same lessons that she has gathered from this experience, and you have gained the values that you would also need to impart to your own daughters.
I still think you're a neurotic stalker. And your insecurity makes me feel so pretty.
Thank you. For always being there for us.
Thank you. For trying to be a really sweet sister. And an even sweeter aunt. It doesn't always work all the time but I can see how much you try. And how guilty you feel when you fail. No worries, we all go through that. And we still love one another anyway.
You knew what you were getting into when you got into it. I sure hope you also knew that it wasn't gonna last. Don't blame me for it, I wasn't the interloper. Too bad I'm prettier. And smarter too. But really girl, you should've known better. And now you wonder why he's ignoring you? But then again, maybe you know why, maybe you both have even decided upon it.
Get off your high horse. Only thing that makes you look good on it is you look like a horse yourself.
The world doesn't revolve around you.

just a number of things (that would make me think)

2010-08-16T00:42:00.001+08:00

I found this on tumblr and it seems interesting enough that I think I just might write about these:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession.

fear

2010-08-08T23:38:00.001+08:00

here's another drawing, unpublished in any blog until today, which reflects my state of mind back when my life was such a mess i was in constant fear of my life. no exaggeration, it was that bad. sometimes i wonder if mah bebe and i did get out of that episode in our lives unscathed or we still unknowingly live with the psychological and emotional scars buried deep inside our subconscious. and sometimes i wonder if anyone who goes through such a thing would ever be normal again.

published in tumblr a few minutes ago:

fear
(faber castell pencil #1 + photoscape)

tumblring again

2010-08-03T13:04:00.006+08:00

After checking out some tumblr blogs, I realized how much I miss tumblring, so last night, I decided to 'resurrect' my weiwitch tumblr site (http://weiwitch.tumblr.com/) and posted my first entry. I'm not sure if people would agree with me but I so love how my drawing has turned out, after messing with it through photoscape. (Yes, there is such a thing as PhotoScape - it's a freeware photo editor that's less complicated than Photoshop. And best of all, it's, what else, free!)

As I tweeted earlier, blogspot is for journaling and tumblr is for doodling. Although I'm still at a loss as to what else to post there (since I haven't really done any doodling lately - although I can perhaps work on my old drawings), I still want to keep it up and running in any case I do get some creative boost. And experimenting with all the available themes is still fun, even if the site itself is virtually empty. Besides, it doesn't matter if I don't have any followers, I do these things for myself. :-)

So anyhow, here's the doodle I feel pretty proud of (especially since I already declared this drawing a lost cause):

dryadic orgy
(watercolor pencil + photoscape)

i get a cold every three weeks. bleh.

2010-08-02T14:07:00.000+08:00

photo courtesy of Wikipedia

1 min reading: Killing our dreams

2010-08-02T08:43:00.000+08:00

(a repost from Paulo Coelho's blog)

The first symptom of the process of our killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the Good Fight.

The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the Good Fight.

And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight.

When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being.

We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. That’s when illnesses and psychoses arise. What we sought to avoid in combat – disappointment and defeat – come upon us because of our cowardice.

And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons

Words from Petrus to me during The pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela

A prayer of God-longing

2010-07-28T09:36:00.000+08:00

Too late have I loved you,

Oh, Beauty so ancient, Oh, Beauty so new.

Too late have I loved you!

You were within me

but I was outside myself,

and there I sought you!

In my weakness I ran after the beauty

of the things you have made.

You were with me,

and I was not with you.

The things you have made

kept me from you ---

the things which would have no being

unless they existed in you!

You have called, you have cried,

and you have pierced my deafness.

You have radiated forth,

you have shined out brightly,

and you have dispelled my blindness.

You have sent forth your fragrance,

and I have breathed it in,

and I long for you.

I have tasted you, and I hunger

and thirst for you.

You have touched me,

and I ardently desire your peace.

(St. Augustine of Hippo)

I have. Have you?

2010-07-25T18:54:00.000+08:00

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

(Winston Churchill)

to do or not to do

2010-07-23T08:57:00.000+08:00

A couple of days ago, I had this surreal conversation through MSN with an old friend, an ex who's been in and out of my life ever since we broke up another lifetime ago. The last time I saw him was earlier this year --- we spent an hour together, talking over coffee and yosi, this after not seeing each other for five years or so. But he's one of those people who I may never see much of, but has never really gone away. Ours is a prime example of all's well that ends well, given how we have remained friends after getting over the hurt and the anger of the past.

Poor guy must be going through mid-life crisis because he was talking about having an affair. Which was what made the conversation surreal --- "Are we really having this conversation??!" I can barely believe that this was coming from a guy who had such a heightened sense of morality he once admonished me not to accept rides from guys, even from my friends! But then again, he was also the same guy who had no qualms about dating other girls while we were together, and then getting mad at me for having an affair with another guy when we broke up. So I guess he did (does?) have a misplaced sense of morality, practicing the double standard that is so prevalent (and typical) among Filipino males.

I'm not sure if he has gone degenerative in his middle age that he has become naive, or stupid, or both. At some point during the conversation, I had a feeling it wasn't him I was talking to, but his wife fishing for something. Or perhaps he was fishing for something.

He wants to have an affair. Said that he's getting old and he's bored and he needs an adventure. Preferably with a friend or an ex-girlfriend. And all I can say was it's not called an adventure if you'd end up hurting a lot of people. It's called selfishness.

And besides, you don't look for an affair, and then in the same breath profess that you are happy with your wife. If you're looking for an adventure, heck, you can take up bungee jumping. It's as exhilarating and as neck-breaking as having an affair. But you don't have to deal with the mess afterwards. If you fuck up, someone else cleans up after you. You'll be too dead to care.

And no, you don't go asking your friends (or unmarried ex-girlfriends for that matter, unless indeed you are fishing for something) if they can recommend anyone who would be willing to have an affair with you. Uh, duh. I can set you up on a date. But I can't set you up on an affair.

Affairs happen. You spend enough time with a person, and before you know it, you find yourself getting more and more involved with them. Now it's up to you if you'd take that involvement a notch higher --- from a bar stool to a bed. From breakfast buddies to breakfast in bed.

Or you meet someone and vavavoom! --- instant sexual attraction. The chemistry's so great you're almost choking on pheromones. Add a few drops of alcohol, and you're ready to forsake your vows. The sex is so great you would want to see them again. And again. And again. But --- will you? And if you do, are you ready to face the consequences?

Of course having an affair is exciting and exhilarating. Of course it feels good to find someone who wants nothing from you but your body, who demands nothing but a good time, who doesn't bug you about bills and busted pipes and broken dishwashers.

But where does it go from there? Are you willing and ready to trade the stability of your marriage for the excitement of sexual gratification? If you are, or if there's nothing stable about your marriage to begin with, then by all means go. Better than to keep on fooling your spouse/partner and living a life of lies and hypocrisies, and bringing misery to all involved.

But do remember that affairs get old. That sooner or later, you'd still end up dealing with the bills and the busted pipes and the broken dishwasher. Different house maybe, but same responsibilities. And sex gets old too. What once was a thrice a day thrill may dwindle to every other day, once a week, once every two weeks, until it becomes just another physiological need, a thing you do just to get off and get rid of that pain in your groin. Or that early morning stiffness.

Of course I'm simplifying things --- we know that it gets more complicated than that. Whether it's intra- or extra-marital, relationships have never been just a choice between black or white. It's not even gray, but a whole rainbow of complexities, which involves a myriad of emotions, peppered with moralities and sometimes drowning in ambiguities. But, as I always remind myself, whatever it is that you do, make sure you have the balls to stand by your decision, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what people say. Ginawa mo, panindigan mo.

And having an affair is a decision only you can make. And, who knows, it may just end up being the best decision you have ever made. Or not.

Happy birthday, Len!

2010-07-19T09:05:00.000+08:00

She would've turned 26 today.

I don’t wanna cry for you,
There’s nothing left to lose,
If it can make me feel better,
Then I’m gonna cry, cry for you,
I don’t wanna cry for you,
There’s nothing left to do,
If it can make me feel better,
Then I’m gonna cry, cry for you,

I know men aren’t supposed to act this way
But things, they got too real, I couldn’t stay
Now, I know one day we will both feel good
If I could be with you, you know I would

Don’t wanna cry for you
But there’s nothing left to do
If it can make me feel better
Then I’m gonna cry, cry for you
I don’t wanna cry for you
There’s nothing left to lose

Pete Yorn Lyrics on http://www.lyrics-celebrities.anekatips.com/

If it can make me feel better
Than I’m gonna cry, cry for you

Turn the lights down low and close the door
I’m tryin to feel the way, I felt before
I’ll cry in the middle of the day
It better make me feel a better way
If it could take my pain away
Yeah oh

Take my pain away
I don’t wanna cry for you
But there is nothing left to lose
You got to let the boy have his way
Cause it gets him to drink it away
I don’t wanna cry for you
But there’s nothing left to do
If it can make me feel better
Then I’m gonna cry, cry for you
If it can make me feel better
Then I’m gonna cry, cry for you

Oooh (make me feel better)
Cry for you
Oooh (make me feel better)
Cry for you
I’m gonna cry, cry for you
I’m gonna cry, cry for you

the movie in my mind

2010-07-17T13:22:00.000+08:00

My Auntie B asked this question in her Facebook status:

If your life were a movie, which one's your favorite part?

And here's my reply ---

That part when I discovered my strengths, realized my worth, and found my voice. Irony is, this was during one of the darkest moments in my life, when my marriage was falling apart --- I finally managed to put my foot down and let everyone know that enough is enough, I deserve to be happy. Kaya ko palang lumaban. I don't want to go through that anymore, but I'm still grateful for that part. :-)

So, if your life were a movie, which one's your favorite part?

i want to dance naked in the moonlight

2010-07-08T11:32:00.000+08:00

There are three things wrong with that title:
(1) It's broad daylight as I'm writing this.
(2) I'm too fat right now to prance around naked.
(3) I don't dance.

But all I want is to lose myself in the sensation, to savor the freedom of dancing naked, to bask in the anonymity afforded by the darkness, and to embrace the sensuality of it all. To be with myself again, to get to know my soul once more, unencumbered by the cares and worries of daylight.

To dance naked in the moonlight...

loving writer dudes

2010-07-04T14:44:00.010+08:00

Lev Grossman

I've always had this predilection for male writers, some kind of a subliminal attraction to men of words, which was probably started by the great Butch Dalisay. I remember being so in-love with him when he was my teacher in one of my CL subjects, that I entertained sordid fantasies about stealing him away from the angelic Beng (and hated her for being so saintly I couldn't help but like her). But of course, all I ever got from him was a 1.25 and an autographed picture, which I'm keeping in storage for the Bebe since it might be worth a pretty penny one day.

And so after I've outgrown drooling over actors, I found myself shifting my attention (and admiration) to celebrity writers - Lev Grossman, Joel Stein, and Dave Eggers. Lev Grossman is probably the epitome of geek coolness, but long before the BH started following him on Techland, he was already my geek-god on what was once upon a time Time.com's the Nerd World.

A lot of people don't really like Joel Stein but his irreverent humor is exactly what I love about him. I discovered him through Time Magazine too --- remember those crazy micro-interviews that used to appear near the back pages of Time? That was him!

Dave Eggers

And Dave Eggers? I never really forgot about him after I read an installment of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius in The New Yorker. Getting a copy of the book led me to discovering McSweeney's, the independent publishing firm he co-founded, and a treasure-trove of essays and short stories.

I think the common denominator of these three writer dudes is their age --- we all belong to the much-maligned and mostly misunderstood Generation X. And my attraction to these people stems from sheer jealousy, jealous that, at their age, they can write, and they all have lucrative careers doing what they do best, doing what they love - writing. While I can just dream about it. And blog. When I have the time. And the inclination. (I should stop here because ranting about that is an entirely different blog entry.)

Of course there's my also my forever friendship with Ryan, whom I dearly love, and whose writing prowess I've been trying (in vain) to emulate. I guess it's only Ry who has truly appreciated my desire to write and who has never failed to encourage me every which way he can. If there's such a thing as a male muse, then Ry is probably mine.

So what brought this about? I just realized yesterday that a lot of the people I'm following on twitter are male writers. There's of course the acerbic and highly politicized hotmanila (hotmanila.ph), whose political views are quite way beyond me, maybe because I have never really been interested in politics in the first place, but whose experiences as a journalist make for such interesting conversational topics over beer and pizza. And then there's scribblerjack (jack the scribbler), who can write about anything and everything with the same passion and aplomb, and still comes out funny and interesting.

And there's my recent discovery, Rhum_Coke, who, according to his blog, is a thirty-something husband and father, raising a toddler, working for one of the biggest news network in the country, writing a novel, and still managing to be cool. Which made me green all over again. I mean, hell, I'm also a thirty-something pseudo-wife and mother, raising a teenager, working for one of the biggest law firms in the world, but whose creativity has already been sucked dry by spreadsheets and manuals.

Which brings me to my most favorite writer, the BH, whose geekazoid writing career (he used to write for the now-defunct PC Gamer Philippines) was cut short by going academe (he used to be a teacher), before finally totally selling out by becoming a marketing communications specialist. Wait, make that Senior marketing communications specialist, churning out brochures and press releases. But, on the bright side, still writing.

today marks the second year that my sister, Len, has been gone...

2010-07-03T23:32:00.002+08:00

good night, Len... i miss you so...

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to them alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. (Arthur Schopenhauer)

and she was so beautiful...

2010-07-01T12:01:00.002+08:00

My sister, Anj, posted this quote on Facebook, along with a picture of our sister, Len, who suddenly and unexpectedly died of pulmonary thromboembolism last 3 July 2008, two weeks short of her 24th birthday. Upon seeing Anj's post, I had to take a deep breath and try to refocus - it was too early in the day to break down and fall apart. Serves me right for checking Facebook when I should be working.

my beautiful sister, Len, who will always be 23 years old

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time... (Clara Ortega)

Toy Story 3 in 3D

2010-06-28T09:15:00.070+08:00

Mah Bebe, The BH and I all thought this was special enough to actually merit a trip to the movie house. We're not exactly movie people, and whatever movie we feel like watching we watch at home, either downloaded or from a (pirated) DVD, considering the cost of movies these days. But the Bebe has been hankering for a movie gimmick for several weeks already, so yesterday afternoon we were at Eastwood Mall for the 5:50 screening at Cinema 7, where the 3D version is being shown (the 'regular' screening is at Cinema 3 at City Walk).

The movie ticket cost Php 351 each (ouch! I can still remember when movies at SM City cost Php16, yes, Mah Bebe, SIXTEEN PESOS, back when the only SM City was at North Edsa), and although each ticket came with a 'free' tumbler of popcorn and a regular cup of soda, plus of course the use of the 3D glasses, I still flinched when the cashier told me "1,053 po lahat, Ma'am." Triple ouch!

Toy Story 3 was everything that a Disney movie should be, heart warming and with all the valuable lessons on loyalty and friendship. And seeing them all again on big screen was like meeting old friends once again - you can't help but cheer when you see Woody and Buzz and Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head and Jessie and Barbie and Hamm and Rex and Slinky Dog. Hell, I cheered upon seeing the oh-so metrosexual Ken!

(A work-related thought. Seems like with all the toys there, the only trade marks I can recognize - and were actually used as names in the movie - were Barbie, Ken, Potato Head, and Slinky Dog. I could be wrong though. There must be more.)

This being a Disney movie for kids, of course it did not tackle that friendships and loyalties can be more complicated than just being true to your owner. Or human. Or friend. It did not delve into the elaborate and convoluted web called human relationships, save perhaps for Lotso's deep-seated bitterness over being replaced by his owner, Daisy. But here's the question here - what kind of a mother would leave her daughter's most-loved toys behind, considering that Daisy was an only child (at least as far as that clip showed), and the toys went wherever Daisy went? It wasn't Daisy's fault that she fell asleep --- her mom should have ensured that nothing got left behind when they left that picnic place!

And another Mamy-moment --- of course I got all weepy when Andy's mom got all sentimental upon seeing her son's room empty. Especially since the movie started showing a little boy Andy playing with his toys, and suddenly, he was 17 years old and off to college. Eleven years since Toy Story 2, and my own little girl is now a teenager. Funny how your perspective changes as you grow older - suddenly, you find yourself relating with the parents, instead of the kids! (Same reason why I find it crazy that I enjoy watching Hannah Montana because of Billy Ray Cyrus's character haha.)

All in all, Toy Story 3 was a pretty good movie, as far as kiddie feel-good movies go. Although I still don't think the additional cost for 3D was worth it - the 3D technology was not maximized in the movie, except for the short film, Day & Night, shown before Toy Story started. Now that was a really cool clip, wherein Day met Night, fought, but eventually resolved their differences.

merry mix-up (misadventures of a messed up misanthrope)*

2010-06-25T17:24:00.002+08:00

I can no longer relate with the 'need' to socialize since I'm living an almost eremitic existence, almost since I do go to work and I live with the Bebe and the BH and there's Facebook and text messages and chats and emails. I do occassionally meet up with people, but as it stands, for every invite I accept, I turn down ten invites. Loneliness? I feel it sometimes, but I prefer it over the tediousness of talking with people I don't really care much about, and who, most likely, don't really care that much about me either. Although every so often I do feel that it would be nice to talk to someone over beer or coffee, but then again the feeling passes, and I can continue with my pseudo-misanthropy.

I've been burnt too many times I'm staying away from the fire.

___________
*this was the title of my previous blog :-)

when you've been feeling like you need to drag your unwilling ass to work every day

2010-06-24T09:08:00.000+08:00

With all the disillusionment and dissatisfaction I've been feeling about work lately, it's so timely that I received this newsletter from WorkMatters.

Gayle Lantz, president of WorkMatters, Inc., and "a sought-after consultant, coach, facilitator, and speaker," has the following tips to offer, if you are on the verge of wanting to seize new opportunities and explore better possibilities:

Build your self awareness. The more you know about yourself -- what drives you, what you care about, what your strengths are and how others perceive you -- the better decisions you'll make to find the best fit.
Look for clues. Study your past success -- the experiences you've had when you've been at your best, when you accomplished something significant, or times when you've been especially proud. You'll find patterns in your past that you can replicate in the future.
Broaden your focus. Sometimes you may be too quick to hone in on one possibility without considering a wide array of options -- especially if you're a good problem solver.
Be patient. Don't expect to figure things out overnight. Envisioning your best future is a process. It even requires being still (gasp!) sometimes. Speed is not the goal. Seek satisfaction.
Identify future needs. Link what you do to future problems you can solve or needs you can serve. Anticipate trends in areas of your strongest interests. Talk to people in your field of interest. It's the best way to learn. You'll be able to create more value in your future role, career or business.
Nurture relationships. Relationship development is a best practice. Even if you have clarity about your potential career direction, it's your relationships with friends, colleagues, peers and advocates that will help power you to reach your goal.

Now's the Time

This time of year is especially conducive for contemplating your future. Perhaps you're spending more time relaxing with family and friends. If you're taking some time off during the summer, give yourself some "me time." Think about where you really want to see yourself a few years down the road.

Consider the life you want to have, not just the work you want to do. The two go hand in hand.

You'll need a dose of patience, discipline and courage. Listen to your gut. Make decisions that make sense and propel you in directions that are most rewarding.

Don't let winds of change blow you off your path. Ground yourself by doing the foundational thinking work to keep you steady -- even in turbulent times. Create personal or career change when you're ready.

PS: If you are not satisfied in your current role... and you desire change, it's even more important to take action NOW! Put yourself on a better path -- one step at a time.

birthday wish #3

2010-06-18T00:34:00.001+08:00

notepads and notebooks galore!

birthday wish #2

2010-06-17T22:29:00.003+08:00

my favorite flowers! been a long time since i last got even one...

(and it would be great to receive 50 roses, all in one basket! ok, fine, i'll settle for a number equal to my age - 25 roses then. ;-p)

once more, with feelings

2010-06-15T23:45:00.003+08:00

(this is for my sister, Anj, who's been going through some drama)

After A While
(Veronica A. Shoffstall)

After a while
you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn
that kisses are not contracts
and presents are not promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child

And you learn
to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while
you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much

So, plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth

And you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye

you learn.

birthday wish #1

2010-06-15T11:17:00.000+08:00

a huge bag of Hershey's Kisses
(and I'm not exactly a choco-addict. seriously. but I just realized yesterday how much I love Kisses!)

totoong buhay

2010-06-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

The status that could not be revealed,
the stories the pictures don't tell,
the updates you don't see on walls.

The other side of Facebook.

blasphemy. guilt.anger.

2010-06-01T22:56:00.001+08:00

There I was, puttering around the house, trying to decide if the clothes I was laundering had already been soaked long enough, cursing the humidity that was making me sweat in that sticky-neck-wet-armpit horrific way, and wondering what to prepare for dinner, when I suddenly had a blasphemous thought.

And, because of nine years of Catholic education, and almost 36 years of living in the shadow of uber-religious parents, it was inevitable that my initial reaction to my thoughts were guilt. Afterwhich I had to deal with anger - anger for the source of my guilt, anger for succumbing to guilt.

a universal truth

2010-05-31T19:59:00.000+08:00

You can see what's wrong when you're doing something right, but you can never see what's right when you're happily doing something wrong.

this is me

2010-05-24T20:41:00.001+08:00

I am strong because I am weak.

I am beautiful because I know my flaws.

I am a lover because I am a fighter.

I am fearless because I have been afraid.

I am wise because I have been foolish.

I can laugh because I have known sadness.

(thanks to my Auntie B for this meaningful mantra - so apt!)

election fever / feverish from all these election brouhaha

2010-05-04T18:06:00.000+08:00

I hate politics. And I don't like politicians either. And for as far back as I can remember, election time/campaign period has always been a damper to my otherwise sunny summer. Back in high school, I hated being rudely awakened by those moronic campaign jingles. Yes, I hated that more than waking up all sweaty because of Ramos's brownouts. Twenty years later, I still have to deal with more moronic campaign jingles. And more brownouts. So tell me, has anything changed in this country?

I don't vote. I have never exercised my right to vote. And while I'm still grateful for all those suffragettes for at least giving me a choice, I choose not to exercise that right. Because in this country where it's possible for a presidential candidate to get zero votes, it's the only way I can protect my vote.

A journalist friend has warned me that by not voting, some unscrupulous soul has probably already used my name to put some arrogant bastard in a position he doesn't deserve. Perhaps. But since I have never been a registered voter, I'm still hoping that I have been spared from ghost or flying voters. It would be a shame if I did vote, only to fall prey to dagdag-bawas schemes or even stolen and burnt ballots.

I don't advocate not voting. Everyone has a choice, and abstaining from voting is as much a choice as supporting a certain candidate. Not to vote is my personal choice. But I don't go around scorning or criticizing people who do vote.

One of my pet peeves right now are those who not only decide to switch sides but end up not just criticizing but downright belittling and discrediting the candidate they used to support, and resorting to reputation-bashing and name-calling.

Twitter has been playing host to these people, and the tweet that really got my ire was one that went - "Let's campaign for people NOT to vote for Noynoy" coming from a Villar supporter. The premise behind it was it's supposedly going to be a close race between Villar, Teodoro and Aquino, and as far as this person, who, again, is a Villar supporter, is concerned, it can either be Villar or Teodoro, just as long as it's not Noynoy.

My take on this is - "WTF?" That's a pretty pathetic and desperate move really. It only goes to show just how much confidence they have in their chosen candidate. They should be focusing on letting people know about the merits of their candidate! But no; in their desperation, they would rather malign the opposing camp. Could it be that their candidate is so bereft of any good qualities that the best they can do now is discredit the other candidate?

Would it be too much to expect that we should all just respect one another's choices? And quit the nitpicking?

an FB status that triggered a train of thoughts

2010-04-30T10:06:00.003+08:00

"Hold a friend's hand through times of trial, let her find love through a hug and a smile; but also know when it is time to let go - for every one of us must learn to grow." (Author unknown)

And boy, does she have a lot of growing up to do. And I got tired of holding her hands. especially since she was blatantly risking her neck, and proudly flaunting it too.

I often feel like a teenybopper play-acting as an adult, but even then I am aware of certain prerequisites that people, especially those pushing 40, should possess or at the very least have already realized by now:

(1) You can blame your parents for how you turned out only up to a certain point and a certain age, after which you should take responsibility for your actions. When you're 37 and you still end up blaming your parents for the things you do, maybe you should start reminding yourself that it has been almost twenty years since you were last a teenager.

(2) The world does not revolve around you. Especially when you have kids. Because from the moment of their conception, you are already relegated to the background, and everything you do will affect them. If you're too selfish to accept that, you have no business having kids in the first place.

(3) If you are a parent, be proud that you're one. If you feel that you are losing your identity in the crazy world of parenthood, remind yourself that being a parent is part of your identity. In the same manner that your kids are part of your life.

(4) You can't keep blaming other people for the things you do. You have a choice as to how you'd handle a situation, regardless of what other people do. Or don't do for that matter. And always be considerate. Whatever you do or say, think about how it would affect people around you.

(5) Only you can help yourself overcome your insecurities. It's not about the bags or the beer or the boys. It's about loving yourself, being comfortable in your own skin, and upholding the values you believe in. Because at the end of the day, you still have to live with yourself. Insecurities and all.

(6) What goes around comes around. Karma has always been a bitch.

the Bebe and the BH - a perfect birthday gift

2010-04-28T21:37:00.002+08:00

I didn’t know whether to break into a victory jiggle or into joyful tears when I saw the gift the Bebe got for the BH --- Harry H. Harrison Jr.’s 1001 Things It Means to Be a Dad. Inside she wrote – “Happy Birthday! May you turn 25 again next year!” But more than that, she also highlighted ten items in the book which the BH does, things which the BH and I didn’t realize until yesterday meant so much to her.

Below are the items she highlighted in the book:

22. Being a dad means that food stolen off your plate tastes better to your kids than any other food in the world. – Oh yes. And it’s not just food, it also applies to drinks. The BH pours a drink for himself and the Bebe goes “Painom!” and gulps it all down in one go.

294. Being a dad means taking Cinderella or Spiderman to McDonald’s. – Or Will in her W.I.T.C.H. outfit. (And did we mention creating from scratch the Heart of Kandrakar? And dyeing the Bebe’s hair red?)

348. Being a dad means getting kids excited by wrestling with them --- and then telling them to calm down so you can rest. – Wrestle-tickle and going, “Tama na, pagod na ko!”

375. Being a dad means making your kids laugh like nobody else can. – Yes, they have their own private jokes, and you can hear them either giggling conspiratorially or screaming in laughter.

466. Being a dad means spending more time with your kids than with the TV. – And when they do watch TV, they often watch together. In fact, I’m often the odd man out when they start discussing TV shows and movies.

493. Being a dad means reminding your kids that homework is done with their mind alert, the lights on, and the TV off. – I really laughed out loud at this one. Because it has become some kind of a litany, the BH reminding the Bebe over and over again, “You can’t do your homework when you’re sleepy. It’s too dark in here, masisira mata mo. How can you focus on what you’re doing when you’re also watching TV?”

508. Being a dad means realizing you haven’t bought new underwear in three years, but your kids look like they’ve stepped off the pages of GQ and Vogue. –The undies he’s been using were bought by his mom and my mom. ;-p But the Bebe has all the techie gadgets she wants, all courtesy of the BH. Sometimes we end up arguing about the gifts he wants to buy for her, since he can go overboard. Although sometimes he also has vested interest on these gadgets – it means they can play together!

690. Being a dad means talking about war. Why it’s horrible. Why it’s been around since Old Testament times. Why it still happens. – It seems that one of the things I love about the BH is also one of the things the Bebe loves about him, his intelligence and wit. (Ok fine, two of the things. But if he weren’t intelligent, he couldn’t be witty. ;-p) Intellectual discussions over dinner, and we talk not just about war but other aspects of history. And science. And literature.

752. Being a dad means being affectionate with your wife in front of the kids. They’ll say they hate it. Kiss her again. – There was one time when we were at Enchanted Kingdom and the BH and I started dancing upon hearing waltz music. The Bebe shrieked, as if she had seen a ghost, and darted away from us, shouting, “Nakakahiya kayo!” and we were all laughing while she pointedly ignored us. But yes, the BH is such an affectionate guy, which makes us a touchy-feely family. Group hugs can be given anywhere and everywhere, sometimes much to the consternation of my siblings.But yes, she goes "Eeewww!" when the BH kisses me in front of her. But - haha! - she likes it pala!

817. Being a dad means staring at the at the picture of your kids on your desk and realizing it’s five years old. – He doesn’t have my picture on his desk. What he has is their picture taken about four years ago, during the Bebe’s birthday. And the Bebe knows it. And appreciates it.

This is a far cry from the little girl who insisted on having a 'seven-foot' distance between her and the BH! And yes, the BH got the best birthday gift he could ever wish for. Our Bebe's declaration of her love for him, and her affirmation of the role he plays in her life.

marriage on my mind

2010-04-23T11:40:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to walk down the aisle with my heart bursting with love for the man who's about to become my husband. To shed a joyful tear for each uttered vow, and mean every word we say. To get married because we want to and not because we have to.

And sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen.

relihiyon

2010-04-17T15:52:00.000+08:00

photo courtesy of my bestestprend; poetry galing sa aking mahiwagang baul

Ang santo papa ang hinihirang

na pinakamakapangyarihang tao sa simbahan

arsobispo, obispo, at mga kabaro ni Padre Damaso

ang naghahari sa kani-kanilang parokyo

saan lulugar ang ilaw ng tahanan?

Anong kinalaman ng kasarian ng tao

sa papel na ginagampanan ng relihiyon sa mundo

bakit nangunguna ang mga kalalakihan

at mga babae’y inaasahang magsunud-sunuran

saan lulugar ang ilaw ng tahanan?

Minsan nang sinamba ang diyosang ina

ng isang sambayanang ligtas at malaya

ngunit sa pagdating ng mga mananakop

biglang siniraan ang dating kumupkop

saan lulugar ang ilaw ng tahanan?

Ang mga pagkukulang ng simbahan natin

hanggang sa ngayon ayaw pang aminin

bagkus ay lalo pang iginigiit

ang tila’y matagal na nilang hangarin ---

patayin ang ilaw ng tahanan?

love

2010-04-14T23:30:00.004+08:00

photo courtesy of all buttoned up

It's always good to know that after a long, tiring, and frustrating day, there's always someone who would cradle you in his arms and make you feel good inside and out. And afterwards, you can calmly drift off to sleep with a smile on your lips. And peace in your heart.

Affirmations

2010-04-11T18:35:00.003+08:00

I got this poem from one of the blogs I'm following, Melissa's Musings. Each line is a good mantra to reinforce the things I believe in, an affirmation of my values.

YES!

Yes
Yes to me
Yes again
Yes to hope
Yes to my life
Yes to healing
Yes to simplicity
Yes to the fullness
Yes to my creativity
Yes to heart-felt loving
Yes to self-expression
Yes to emotional safety
Yes to deep connections
Yes to sharing the journey
Yes to taking responsibility
Yes to honesty with myself
Yes to my needs being honored
Yes to relationships that build up
Yes to modeling positive behavior
Yes to maintaining my boundaries
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

irony

2010-04-07T14:28:00.000+08:00

screen capture: http://edition.cnn.com/

reflections

2010-04-03T17:48:00.000+08:00

photo courtesy of trekearth.com

Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings.” ~ Tao Te Ching

A rose for me

2010-03-31T18:48:00.000+08:00

photo courtesy of ryanamor.com

I had not gotten this weepy for quite some time now, but this morning, I had a huge lump in my throat while reading Ry's blog entry, A Rose for Leila. Ry has been my ultimate yellow rose person. I could no longer count the number of times he would unexpectedly appear at all those apartments I'd lived in, bearing a yellow rose. And I'm not even sure anymore if my penchant for yellow roses was a result of all those yellow roses he has given me, or if he's been giving me yellow roses because he knows they're my favorite.

Thanks, Ry. I so appreciate it.

how i've been feeling lately

2010-03-22T11:49:00.002+08:00

a not so ordinary sunday

2010-03-21T08:48:00.005+08:00

photo courtesy of CardensDesign.com

i just want this to be over so i can get on with my life, so we can get on with our lives. because no matter how much i try not to let this affect me, affect us, we are affected. my family and me.

my 30 pieces of silver.

2010-03-19T09:11:00.005+08:00

Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught...
-Rihanna, Take a Bow

Snippets

2010-03-15T09:39:00.007+08:00

photo courtesy of freeimages.co.uk

I am not responsible for anyone's actions. The only person whose actions I'd willingly take responsibility for is my daughter. Even then, I've already started teaching her to be responsible for her own actions.

***

At our age, we should already know what values we uphold. How can we impart to our children the moral foundation that they need if we blatantly break the rules that we want them to follow?

***

How can some people be so selfish, so self-absorbed, so stupid, and then drag other people into the glorious mess they've made?

Go, Pacman!

2010-03-14T06:49:00.006+08:00

photo courtesy of boxnews.com.ua

Text message from my mom yesterday:

"Don't disturb us. Nagasimba kami ta tomorrow si Pacquiao. Maga-offer kami."

Enough said. There's a Pacquiao fight afterall. And I'm a Filipino.

self-awareness

2010-03-12T10:56:00.003+08:00

Exercise: See how you experience yourself as you attempt to be still, just sitting with yourself, in silence. There is no need to try to meditate or anything else, just take a few minutes -- planned minutes -- to simply sit quietly. Or, turn you car radio off on the drive today, even just for a few minutes, and notice how it feels. Notice as you do this, how it is for you. You may just find, as I did, that you don't know YOU, and you can't be WITH yourself, alone and in silence.

If you find the experience too unsettling, stop. There is no need to force
an unpleasant experience upon yourself. But again, notice that it was unpleasant and realize the gift that comes in that unpleasantness. The gift is the experience, because you now know yourself a little better. If you wish to continue working toward being peaceful in your stillness, take small steps. Try a few minutes each day, or keep the radio off in the car a bit longer each day. Eventually you will discover that you make it all the way home one day without turning the radio on, in silence with yourself.

Turn off the noise and awaken to you!

-from an email I received today

"So Much Noise" - Jim McDonald

newsletter from SelfGrowth.com

syntax error

2010-03-12T04:26:00.002+08:00

The BH and I were discussing how long we have been together as a couple, and I gushed -

"Wow! You're the longest man I've been in-love with!"

Cheap thrill

2010-03-04T11:33:00.006+08:00

... but a thrill nonetheless. Lev Grossman replying to my tweet! Aaahahaha!

Motherhood is not for wimps...

2010-03-04T06:43:00.004+08:00

one proud mama

And she's no wimp, this mother whom I've recently rediscovered. I first knew her as a kid, when we used to go to each other's houses to play. I don't even remember the first time we became friends - she was one of those kids who had been my classmate since my parents entrusted me to the Benedictine nuns' care at age 4 - but I do remember how it had been a habit of sort, staying at her place after club meetings, which often meant a whole afternoon of kiddie fun, a habit which lasted all throughout elementary school.

We lost touch when I moved to Manila for high school and got busy with life, and it was only recently that I 'rediscovered' her on Twitter and Facebook. And from what I gathered from her posts, she's a full-time mom, a rarity in a place like Los Angeles, and loving every minute of it.

But hers is not all cookie-baking and playtime with kids moments. As I'm writing this, her daughter is confined at UCLA, after undergoing surgery for hydrocephalus. It broke my heart, reading her tweets, about how her daughter was screaming for help because of the pain. (It's all Greek to me, but apparently, her daughter's hydrocephalus recurred and her shunt needed repair.) No little girl should go through so much pain, and no mother should hear her kid screaming for help and not be able to do anything to ease the pain.

What I find amazing is how she has staunchly bore these trials, staying upbeat and positive as she deals with them. Faced with what she has to deal with, human nature would dictate that we'd go whine about how unfair life is, and drown in self-pity. (I would.) But Emilie's no-nonsense approach to life and her optimism are worth emulating.

Prayers for you and your kid, Ems, and saludo ako sa imo.

Facebook...not.

2010-03-01T13:12:00.005+08:00

So I gave up my Facebook account. Until when? I don’t know. For good? Maybe. If I don’t end up missing Farmville.

I’m not really sure how many of my friends have noticed (or if they have noticed at all) that I’ve gone MIA from FB. And it’s not really surprising that the Bestestprend P has been the first person to panic and call me up, less than 24 hours after I deactivated my account – “Are you dead???! What happened? I want the whole chismis!”

I’m still alive (obviously, unless it’s my doppelganger who’s writing this, at which point will she still be called my doppelganger if I’m already dead and she’s supposed to be me – wouldn’t it be just plain old ‘ghost’ instead of the fancy ‘doppelganger?’); nothing serious happened – unless you’d consider those people who take FB seriously as something ‘serious.’

Which brings me to –

Reason No. 1 – Why I Gave Up (On) FB: People taking FB seriously

I mean, wtf??! Who the hell takes FB seriously? FB is inebriated talk after consuming six bottles of beer at 11 in the evening with people you haven’t seen in a long time. Sure, there’s an occasional spatter of serious conversations but it’s mostly a lot of laughs and a shitload of bull. Woe to you if you take the damn thing seriously.

Reason No. 2 – Why I Gave Up (On) FB: It Was Starting to Feel Like a School Reunion That Just Wouldn’t End

There are people I was genuinely glad to ‘see.’ Actually, I was glad to find all of them, after years of not even remembering that they were my classmates/schoolmates. Until some people started bringing out pictures of their pets and their vacations and their houses and their vacation houses, and their pets’ vacation houses, ad nauseam. You get the drift. Um, are you taking a picture of your dog, or are you showing off your new curtain?

Reason No. 3 – Why I Gave Up (On) FB: It Just Wasn’t Time-Consuming, It Was Consuming Me

I was spending hours (and I mean HOURS) doing nothing but fixing my goddamn farm. I’d stay in bed all weekend lost in my pseudo-social life. How pathetic is that?

of love, pride, and shared expenses

2010-02-21T15:13:00.019+08:00

http://www.freeimages.co.uk/

Just found out on Facebook (the modern day rumour mill, first hand info from the people involved themselves) that two schoolmates have just recently gotten together and are caught up in a whirlwind romance: three months and the engagement ring is already on her finger, and housewarming was by invitation only a few weeks ago. Nothing wrong there - when you reach a certain age, long engagements may end up leaving you alone at the altar, sometimes in a box - but reading about it has triggered a train of thoughts that has trailed me all weekend.

You see, between college graduation and 2010, Schoolmate Guy has struck gold and has gotten really rich, mostly because he has worked his ass off getting to where he is now. It's admirable really, how he capitalized on the I.T. boom, which resulted in real estate properties all over the city, mostly in the enclaves of the rich and famous. Not bad for someone who went to Manila with nothing but a couple of thousand pesos on his person. Schoolmate Girl, meanwhile, is someone I don't know so I can't really say much about her. From what I have gathered (again, on FB), she doesn't have a job but have spent the past few years taking care of her kids. (Oh yeah, it's another of those modern day relationships - he has one kid from a previous relationship, she has two.)

What bothers me (although I know it's none of my business really, but I'll explain in a bit why it bothers me) is the fact that he's rich and she doesn't have a job. And he's lavishly showering her with all the material stuff he can afford (which is a lot, considering how rich he is, and it's his own money, not something inherited from or even shared with his family). What happens if the relationship doesn't work out?

Forgive me for being so cynical, but let's face it - shit happens, and sometimes there's no telling when and how or why it happens. It just does, when we least expect it.

The reason why this bothers me is the same reason why I will never stop working until Mah Bebe already has a good job of her own, at which point I'm hoping I'd have enough saved so I can 'pursue my artistic pursuits.' But while she is still studying and I still need to shelter, clothe and feed her, I'm gonna work my ass off so we won't have to be too dependent on anyone. Not even on the BH, na-ah.

Here's the deal. It took me a long time before I became comfortable enough to actually ask money from the Honey, and even the level of comfort I have now is still not very comfortable. And even until now, we have our household expenses divided in such a way that the BH doesn't spend more than I do, even though he earns more. And yes, I had to specifically inform the BH's parents that no, the BH is *not* the one who's spending for Mah Bebe's schooling.

Pride? Perhaps. But once upon a time, a long long time ago, another lifetime actually, some guy's mother had the temerity to accuse me of 'pinagkakwartahan lang yung anak nya.' Never mind the fact that they weren't really that rich to begin with. (I loved the guy, really. The first guy I had fallen madly deeply crazily in love with. The second guy is the BH.) And to prove that I wasn't after her son's gold (if indeed he had any then), when we broke up, I sent him back everything that he gave me, except for a tubaw and a stuffed toy (which I offered to pay for anyway). And that involved shipping four boxes of stuff to Cagayan de Oro, which cost me a pretty penny back then. And since then, I had been ultra careful not to give any guy the impression na nanganguwarta ako. Which makes me a really low-maintenance girlfriend.

Which made me think (I said it was a train of thoughts) how much an incident in a person's life can shape them, and affect the values they have later in life. Obviously, this particular incident in my life, which may appear so inconsequential (the ex probably doesn’t even remember this anymore, and neither does his mom), has, for lack of a better term, built my character. (Ever noticed how all shitty things that happen to you all contribute to character-building? “It builds your character,” or so they say when they run out of things to say during your darkest hours.)

I should say I’m quite thankful for this mag-ina, because were it not for them, I would have ended up a whiny princess who thinks the world was created for her own convenience.

So, going back to the former Schoolmates, three things (not about them really, but more on my general take on life):

(1) Allowing someone (some*guy*) to spend so much for you (and your kids) is tantamount to allowing him to *own* you. If he insists on spending for you (and your kids), make sure he's aware that you didn't ask for it, that he's doing it out of his own volition. And never ever make parinig - "Ang ganda naman ng bag kaya lang wala akong pera sino kaya bibili nito para sa akin?" - better to ask outright than drop hints. Have some pride, girl.

(2) If the relationship doesn't work out, make sure that he will never have a chance to brag to his friends how much he spent on you (and your kids), or how he's sending your kids to school.

(3) As much as possible, ensure that you're still financially responsible for your kids. And yourself. It all boils down to that really.

mutatis mutandis

Hey, it's me - ranting.

NaBloPoMo - (trying to) blog daily for one month! ;-D

ladidahdidah

I'm "Culture Curious" (from New York Times Personality Test)

Sometimes we just need to look at things from a different perspective

just another day...

Romanticizing my life

Note to self.

A blessed Mabon

Christmas Wish List aka My Shopping List

because i've been feeling bad, the Goddess decides to remind me

something old, something new...

one of my favorite poems

living on a latte and a prayer

My day in 140 characters - or less

A Mother's Prayer

"You remind me of me... and how fucked up I can be..."

10 things I should've learned by now

Mah Bebe's Birthday

i'm in awe

My favorite teenager

happy birthday, v

I live in joy now

Checklist

Life begins at 40...?

weekend to-do list

big bang

I see Paris, I see France, I see someone's underpants...

big hug!

trying to write. yet again.

My bestestprend and me

Self-promotion

Happy birthday, Emilie!

Why Mamma Mia is starting to feel like the soundtrack of my life: #2

Why Mamma Mia is starting to feel like the soundtrack of my life: #1

being strong sometimes means being able to let go

and yet another blog ;-p

the weeks that were: sketches

of midlife and teenagers

Sunday

Sometimes, something like this makes social networking so interesting

Psalm 62:8

Tom Robbins on smoking

Day Ten: One confession.

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Seven: Four turn-offs

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot to me (in no order whatsoever)

Day Five: Six things I wish I had never done

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot

Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart

Day Two: Nine things about myself

Day One: Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now

just a number of things (that would make *me* think)

fear

tumblring again

i get a cold every three weeks. bleh.

1 min reading: Killing our dreams

A prayer of God-longing

I have. Have you?

to do or not to do

Happy birthday, Len!

the movie in my mind

i want to dance naked in the moonlight

loving writer dudes

today marks the second year that my sister, Len, has been gone...

and she was so beautiful...

Toy Story 3 in 3D

merry mix-up (misadventures of a messed up misanthrope)*

when you've been feeling like you need to drag your unwilling ass to work every day

birthday wish #3

birthday wish #2

once more, with feelings

birthday wish #1

totoong buhay

blasphemy. guilt.anger.

a universal truth

this is me

election fever / feverish from all these election brouhaha

an FB status that triggered a train of thoughts

just a number of things (that would make me think)